Title: Rising Again (2/3)

Author: RocketMan >lebontrager@iname.com<

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is

intended.



SPOILERS::Written after Signs and Wonders--that's as far as it goes.



NOTES:: MSR, alternate reality, somewhat strange



=-=-=-=

Rising Again

=-=-=-=



"Though they go mad they shall be sane, 

though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;

though lovers be lost, love shall not,

and death shall have no dominion."

--Dylan Thomas



=-=-=-=



January 2005

=-=-=-=



There were pictures of the twins all over the apartment, on the swings,

taking their first steps, playing on the kitchen floor, in the bathtub.

In their room, a framed photo of Mulder holding the twins was propped

between their beds and they each had single pictures of them with

Mulder. Scully didn't want them to forget; she didn't want herself to

forget.



Will's side of the room was decorated in spacescape, with the walls

painted dark dusky blue and stars just beginning to color along the top,

near the ceiling. He had model spaceships hung from the light fixture

and posters of the planets, done in blues and greens and blacks. He

adored the bedspread that Mulder had bought for him, even before the

twins could sleep in regular beds. 



Katie's side was that same dusky blue, but she had posters of horses

around her room and odd little photos tacked to the walls. Scully didn't

know what all she put up on the walls; the collection had grown

gradually. Scully remembered doing the same thing as a child, finding

feathers or photos or bus tickets and pasting them up in her room. It

was a collage of her four year old life and she always had this far away

look in her eyes when she tacked up something new.



But they never slept in their own room. They had nightmares and ran to

sleep with her, snuggling in beside her for warmth. In the darkness of

the night, Scully could almost feel Mulder in bed with them, his arms

cradling one of his children, maybe cradling her. She remembered the

look in his eyes as he held Katie for the first time, the teasing way he

had played with Will, the smirk of his lips when he'd suggested their

names. 



She could nearly feel him whispering into her cheek, rubbing the pads of

his fingers across her velvet smooth and hard stomach, sighing against

her back. He had pressed his nose to her neck and rocked her back and

forth when she'd had her own nightmares, his lips calming her as his

hands soothed her. 



In these dark moments when the clock on her bedside table was far

removed, when the moon didn't shine in on her children, she could feel

Mulder's promises crowding her, like he had always crowded her, close

and special. His hands around her waist, his knee sliding through her

legs, his promises of return. Promises.



She turned in bed and curled around Katie, close enough to touch Will

lying next to his sister, and closed her eyes against the memories. Her

daughter was breathing slowly and deeply, and Will's eyes were

fluttering with dreams, his body stiff with REM sleep. No nightmares

yet, and she breathed a sigh of relief. They needed their father so

badly. . .



It had been three years and she was beginning to doubt he would ever

come back.



=-=-=-=

January 2000

=-=-=-=



The head surgeon--she was never allowed to ask his name--was proud of

his equipment and his breakthrough procedures and told her more than she

wanted to know. She was reluctant to listen, but some of the more

horrifying information slipped past her defenses. 



When she had been taken for three months, her menstrual cycle had been

mapped out, charted in case of further testing. A year ago they had

taken her again, along with Mulder, and extracted DNA from her, to

create the clones. So when the twins had started failing to thrive in

their artificial wombs, they had taken her yet again, to confirm her

cycle and prepare her for the tests, to even prepare her to receive the

twins.



They had been planning this for a long time and it sickened her to think

about it. She called her mother to listen to a comforting voice and got

the machine. Mulder tried to explain to her what they would be doing,

but she refused to listen. If she didn't know what the surgery would be,

then she could easily pretend it was natural, that it was something all

wives or girlfriends or teens woke up with. Pregnant and with twins. Her

twins, Mulder's twins.



Because he said it was the right thing to do, Mulder married her in a

church outside of town, with a pastor who had white wild-Einstein hair

and a thin neck that bobbed when he spoke. The congregation came out to

support them and witness the ceremony and even threw them a reception.

Mulder led her down the aisle and kissed her before them all, hot and

wet. She couldn't let go of his hand, despite the irrationality of the

action.



She called her mother from a public phone and the marriage, hasty and

unthought as it was, gave Mrs. Scully a reason to celebrate. She

congratulated them and told her son-in-law to take care of her daughter,

and she talked for about an hour with her newly married child,

remembering the good memories of her own marriage and forgetting the bad

ones. Scully felt relaxed after the conversation and kissed Mulder when

she stepped out of the booth, even though they were out of three dollars

in quarters and dimes.



He led her to the rental car and when they were strapped in and turning

the engine, Mulder looked over at her.



"You don't have to do this, Scully."



She looked away from him and to the little church where they had just

been married, mainly at Mulder's insistence, wanting to do right in all

this mess. The twins would have a real, legal father and the official

bond seemed to provide some kind of added incentive for Mulder to come

back to her.



"I know," she finally answered, and it wasn't just for him or the twins

anymore.



"We're free right now, Scully. Sure, they know where we are, but they

wouldn't come after us. I could just get on the interstate and keep

driving."



"I know."



He was waiting for some kind of decision, ultimate and immediate, that

would take the responsibility of the thing off his shoulders. He knew

the feelings of Atlas now and wished he had never hoisted this world on

his back. It felt burdensome and uncomfortable; he was afraid it would

fall.



The road was a long flat nothing before them and he kept driving, always

towards the base, waiting for her to tell him to turn around, take them

back home.



But she didn't and he kept driving.

~~~



"Promise me, Mulder," she whispered tightly.



Scully lay prone on a metal table, and it was only different from her

nightmares because the room was dark and warm and filled with men she

had come to know. The head surgeon so proud of his procedures, Mulder

with his fear and frustration and regret, the Smoking Man with his empty

mouth and empty fingers. These clones must have been important, to make

him stop smoking.



"Anything, Scully," he said back and stroked her forehead softly.



She felt sickened with the fear. "You have to stay with me, whatever

happens."



He glanced to the doctors then back to her. "But, Scully, they have to

go--"



"I don't want to know, please, I don't want to know. Just stay right

here, Mulder."



"I will, I will," he promised, nodding.



She gripped his hand tightly; it was an unconscious thing now, to take

his hand and hold it for dear life. 



"I have to account for every moment while I'm unconscious. . .every

moment. I have to know they don't do anything. . ."



He nodded. "I'll be right here. No matter what. I understand."



She sighed but knew he did not understand at all. "It's just like the

nightmares. . ."



His hand was suddenly tight around hers and she realized that he knew,

he understood now. His eyes slanted up to the dark warm redness of the

room, then to the two artificial placentas placed alongside her. Moving

the girl in the with the boy had been a difficult task, but she was the

stronger and had survived the jostling without much reaction. 



Scully heard the noise of medical talk, of blood pressure and heartbeats

and IV, and she felt the Versed drip through her veins like sweet

candy-gas--all bubbling but slow like simmering water. She could see

that the ceiling was getting further away and Mulder's face closer, and

that should not have been right but it was. She slacked her grip without

thinking and her head rolled sideways, surgery imminent and her still

dozing off despite her tension.



Even the Versed could not mask her fear and Mulder leaned forward and

pressed his lips very firmly to her forehead. The pressure of his mouth

on her skin was hard and heavy as a stone and she sank beneath the waves

of lapping relaxation, drowning.



=-=-=-=

January 2005

=-=-=-=



Mondays were the hardest for her, for the twins too. She had to get up

at five so she could take a shower in peace, before they woke and

bounded around with anxious energy. She dressed in the black pants and

light blue shirt that characterized every day at the office, except

maybe the shirt color changed slightly. Her jacket she left hanging so

that Will couldn't spill milk or orange juice or ketchup on it. He had a

knack for it.



Katie wanted to wear a dress that morning and she picked out the dark

purple jumper and white shirt with shrewd taste, pulling them on

herself. Scully didn't dare let Will pick out his clothes, not when he

had the tendency to wear black and orange sweatpants and a grey T-shirt.

She forced him into black jeans with rolled cuffs to keep from dragging

and his favorite grey T-shirt. He just wouldn't give that shirt up. He

wanted to wear his thick brown boots and she agreed, but made him tie

his own shoes.



Scully did not realize that she was dressing Will in the same style

Mulder had dressed, her actions were all unconscious and unthinking.

Mornings were too wild and disorganized with Will and Katie running

around to actually sit down and relax, contemplate things. When she

picked them up from her mother's she would recognize the similarities

then.



Katie wanted to be carried from the apartment to the car, but Scully

refused and she sat down hard in the hallway floor, pouting. Scully

shrugged at her and said good-bye, moving down the hall with Will's hand

carefully tucked in hers. The twin brother kept looking over his

shoulder and making eyes at his sister, frightened that his mother

really would leave her there on the floor.



Katie bounded up right when the elevator threatened to close on them and

raced for it, slipping inside and grabbing her mother's hand with a

shaky breath. Neither said anything, but Scully had won. Katie crowded

close to her mother's thighs and pressed her nose to the silk sharpness

of her pants.



In the car it was Will's turn to sit up front and he proudly buckled his

seatbelt and puffed up his chest. Scully felt a pang looking at him, at

how much he was Mulder, and turned around to make sure that Katie had

buckled her seatbelt as well. The little girl was staring out the window

at a couple with their dog; her mother felt the question coming but did

not sense its content. 



"Do you love Daddy?"



Scully sighed and put the car in reverse, looking over the seats to back

out.



"Yes."



The answer was short and not filled with explanations, and she knew this

was the best way to deal with the question. Katie was satisfied and

didn't ask anything else, but Scully sensed a hesitation about her.



"Anything wrong, sweetheart?"



Katie looked up at her mother in the rearview mirror, then shrugged.



"We have a parents day at school on Friday."



Scully blinked and nodded. "Do you want me to come?"



Will nodded and Katie just waited.



"But you want your daddy to come too. . ." Scully finished and sighed

again.



"Do you think you could maybe call him, Mommy? Just call him for us. We

don't even have to talk to him. . ."



Will's plea was heartfelt and heartbreaking and Scully realized that

they still did not understand anything. They thought it was that simple.

Will's dark hair was combed back and slicked down in front to keep his

bangs from flopping in his eyes, but they did anyway. He was looking at

her from behind them and his lashes were long and soft like doe's and

she wanted to close her eyes against them but didn't.



"You know that if I could call him, I would baby. I don't know where

Daddy is, and I don't have any way of getting in touch with him."



"Gran said that Daddy was dead," Katie piped up.



Scully felt her face turn red with anger, once again wishing she had not

brought the twins to visit Mulder's mother. The woman didn't know a

thing about watching out for a child's emotional vulnerabilities. 



"Gran lied."



"What?" It was Will's outrage this time.



"She doesn't like to hope, Will. It hurts her too much to accept that

she might have to hope."



"Why does it hurt her so much?" Katie asked.



Scully frowned and zipped between two slow-moving cars and onto the

interstate. The road curved away immediately and she got in the fast

lane, ignoring the whirl of landscape and warehouses and buildings

passing by.



"Because she's afraid, Katie. At least, that's what I think. But I still

have hope. I know your father's coming back and it doesn't hurt me."



"How do you know for sure he is?" Will asked, pouting and not looking at

his mother.



"Because he told me so. Because he promised me."



Katie leaned forward to say something, having unbuckled her seatbelt

sometime during the conversation. Scully pushed her back and told her to

fasten her safety belt again, scowling at her daughter. The girl clicked

her seat belt back on and played with the beige bag that held her

coloring books and crayons. Her dark red hair had soft blonde highlights

that streaked in the front, and Scully was always amazed at the blueness

in her eyes. She wondered if it was almost selfish to think her daughter

was beautiful--her twin.



The drive was silent for three miles and then the twins burst out with

questions. They were almost five and things were starting to come

together, things were making sense to them.



Katie spoke first. "Mommy, could Daddy be dead?"



"No."



"Why not?"



"Because I'd know."



Katie seemed satisfied with this, although she wasn't entirely satiated

on the issue; her mother always gave these confident but vague answers

about her father and she wanted reality and truth, not confidence and

hope. She wanted a picture of her father that wasn't flat and framed,

but alive and running in her mind.



Will struggled to see over the dash, noting that their car had slowed

because of Monday morning traffic and wanting to see if there were

policemen up ahead or maybe an ambulance. He wanted to be a doctor, like

his mom, but not with dead people. Scully frequently wondered about

this, but said nothing. She knew Mulder couldn't stand blood and

wondered if that had come from genes or environment. Will didn't seem to

mind it at all.



"What's wrong, Kate?"



She snapped her head up and saw that her mother had turned around while

the car was stopped in traffic. Her hair was beautiful and falling

around her face and she wished she looked more like her mother.



"Did Daddy ever yell?"



"Sometimes. Not often though--he was rather calm about things. . ."



Even as she said this, Scully knew it wasn't the right thing to say,

wasn't really Mulder. She wondered when she had wandered from the real

Mulder to the idealization.



"Actually, honey, he was very excited about everything. Everything. So

sometimes he was fairly shouting about something, and the next he was

talking very low and very. . .deadly. Do you know what I mean?"



"No."



"Well, he would get worked up about things. Become so involved in

something that it was like I wasn't even there."



"Oh. Like when Will is playing by himself and you call his name and he

doesn't say anything?"



"Exactly. Very much so."



"I think Daddy is like Will and you're like me, Mommy."



Scully paused and glanced quickly at her daughter, then creeped the car

forward. Her mind was racing, her palms slick-sweating, and the steering

wheel was tight in her grip. She'd never told them, didn't know how to

tell them, didn't know if it was a good idea at five.



"Why do you say that, honey?"



"Because they're the boys and we're the girls."



Scully smiled and nodded, relieved again.



"Hey look!" Will shouted and pointed to the man being stretchered into

an ambulance. Scully shivered and refused to watch, but her children

were pressed to the window as they passed the accident.



"It looks like Daddy," Katie said.



Scully didn't pay any attention because Katie happened to say that about

any stranger she met walking the street. She wanted her father so badly

she saw him everywhere. Will didn't agree and sat back down in his seat,

straightening the seatbelt again.



"Kate, seatbelt."



Her daughter sat down and clicked it back into place, frowning.



=-=-=-=

January 2000

=-=-=-=



When she woke, it was Mulder and pain that greeted her. She could not

focus on Mulder's smile of encouragement for all the fire burning in her

and she groaned, loudly and without meaning to. A sudden seizure caused

her to black out momentarily and then she was awake again, still with

the pain and a more shaken Mulder. He was holding her head and afraid,

but she squeezed his hand.



The fire of pain was in her gut and between her legs like a burning bush

had ignited and still burned, unconsumed and without pause. She felt the

scratching branches of the bush-pain against her uterus and inside her,

deep and thorny. She wanted to cut it out, but just closed her eyes to

it and pressed her lips together.



"We can give you some mild painkillers, Agent Scully--"



"No."



She shook her head and looked up at Mulder, telling him in determined

eyes that there would be no more medication from them. They could not

touch her anymore. Mulder refused the surgeon and he left, shaking his

head. Mulder's hand stayed in hers.



"Anything I can do, Scully?"



"Get me out of here," she whispered and tried to sit up.



He helped her and propped a pillow behind her back, letting her see the

walls of the warm dark room and the empty containers where the twins had

been. They were now in her. She looked over at Mulder.



"I was here the whole time. They gave you some medication to keep your

body from rejecting the twins, and then something to numb your heart

while they threaded the umbilical cords. . .something like that anyway."



He looked vague and greenish-tinted and she had to smile. "Did they

cycle my blood through--"



"Yeah. . .that was the most normal looking part. . .they just threaded

it together. I don't even pretend to know what they were doing really."



She nodded, she did not know either. 



"They said that they'd like you to rest here for three weeks, bedrest

only."



She opened her mouth to object but he shook his head and continued.



"I told them no. We'll drive home from here and see how it goes. They're

concerned that the babies will lose too much weight."



"Lose weight?" she said, frowning.



"They think they'll lose weight trying to adjust."



"I'm not staying here any longer, Mulder. I just can't. I can't."



He was nodding. "I didn't think so. I don't want to spend three weeks

here either. The surgeon's going to give you pre-natal vitamins and--"



She shook her head again. "I'm not taking anything they give me. I'll go

to a doctor before we leave, a real doctor. I can get everything there."



She was now sitting up fully, her legs dangling off the side of the

metal table, her skin chilled by its cold press, but the tops of her

thighs were warmed by the dark and humid room. The lights had been

raised a notch, and were not quite as low-lit as before, but the babies

were inside her now, they did not need the dark room.



And Scully would not need this place either. She would do this on her

own terms, with her own help and power. These were hers now, and not the

Project's, not anyone's.



"Scully. You'll. . .you're going to let me help you, right?"



His eyes were drawn unnaturally together like he wanted to shake her out

of a fit, but felt afraid. 



"Yes," she said softly and realized she had been ready to run away from

everyone.



"Good. Good. I want to help. . .it's not fair for you to have to do this

alone. Not when I'm here."



She nodded and held out her hands to him. "Then help me get out of

here."



"Can you walk?"



There was still that burning fire in her gut, in between her legs worse

than first time sex and she wanted to scream with it, wanted to bite

down on something.



"Perhaps not," she said and winced.



"Then I'll get the car and carry you out."



She was so relieved that he was not insistent that she stay. . .but this

relief allowed her to feel the strain on her strength to keep her eyes

open, to talk to him at all, to be sitting up when her belly felt it

would rip open.



"Maybe. . .maybe I should sleep for a bit," she said softly.



When he nodded, she had the feeling that he had been playing on this

weakness and had known all along how to manipulate her into staying for

awhile. She was still too tired to care.



=-=-=-=

January 2005

=-=-=-=



"Dana, honey, it's Mom. Where are you?"



Her mother's voice sounded rushed and harried and Scully glanced at the

flat brown Target store that was on the side of the interstate. 



"Sitting in traffic on the interstate. . .why?"



"I can't take the kids today, or for awhile, Dana. I'm sorry--I just

found out."



Scully frowned in concern. "What's wrong, Mom?"



"Oh. . .remember my telling you that Matt and Bill got the flu a few

days ago?"



"Yeah."



"Well, it seems that Tara had it too, but she wouldn't let Bill know and

she tried to take care of them and now she's in the hospital with

pneumonia."



"Oh no. . .is she going to be all right?"



"The doctors aren't sure and Bill's making himself worse staying at her

bedside and Matt. . ."



"So you're going out to San Diego. Today?"



"Yes. I'm so sorry, Dana. Bill just called. . ."



"Don't worry Mom. The twins can come with me--"



A loud cheer interrupted their conversation and Scully smiled at Will and

Katie, ruffling her son's hair while he whooped. His slicked back bangs

were already dry and his hair had a slight curl in it now; he didn't

look so old when his hair was like that.



"They're excited, I hear," her mother said.



"Sure are. Wow."



"I'll try not to take that personally. . ." Mrs. Scully teased.



"Oh, you know they adore you, Mom. Thanks for everything. . .you know I

couldn't do this without you."



Mrs. Scully was stunned by her daughter's open admission and just gaped

at the phone, trying to recover herself.



"Well. . .I love them, I love you, Dana."



"I love you too, Mom. Go see Bill and Matt and Tara. . .tell them all to

get well for me."



"I will."



Will was tugging on her sleeve and she glanced over at him.



"Oh, and Kate and Will say bye too."



"Give them a hug for me."



"Good-bye, Mom. Safe trip."



"Have a good time with the kids at work. See you later."



They hung up simultaneously--they'd always been able to do that, hang up

at the same time as if the conversation had just dropped. She liked the

familiarity it suggested. She wondered about how Mulder had developed

his phone manners.



"Maybe we'll see Daddy at your work, Mommy!"



Scully frowned over at Katie and resigned herself to the week. It would

be one of the rough ones, with the tough questions that couldn't be

answered without hurting someone.



"No, Katie. We won't. Daddy's far away."



"But you said you don't know where Daddy is!" she said, yelling hotly

now.



"Katherine Elizabeth Mulder, do not yell at me," she said, calmly and

without raising her voice.



Katie pouted for a moment, then huffed back against the seat. "Sorry."



It was mumbled and forced, but Scully accepted it and turned to see Will

grinning at her.



"What's with you?" she said and patted his knee.



"It's funny to hear all of Katie's name like that."



"What's funny about it?"



"Well, she's not much of a Katherine, is she? She's a Katie. . .just

like I'm not much of a William or a William Mason Mulder. Just a Will."



<Or a Fox. . >



"Well, you're very much a Mulder. . .just like your daddy."



His eyes lit up fast and furious and so bright. "Really?"



Scully smiled and nodded, but her eyes were on the road again and she

was concentrating on getting off the south bound interstate and go

northbound again. She managed to exit smoothly and then they were

turning left and then left again. They were heading north to DC, to the

FBI, to the X-Files and where it all started. Scully found it oddly

appropriate that she would bring the twins here.



"Katie, are you all right?" she asked again, worried still.



She heard a sigh and glanced in the rear view mirror to her daughter

again.



"I have a huge Daddy-hole."



Scully's eyebrows rose and she fought a smile.



"A Daddy-hole?"



"Yes. In my heart."



Her words were so forlorn that Scully had to force herself not to cry.

She chewed on her lip and sent up a prayer again for Mulder, as she had

so often sent one up. Her daughter's dive into sorrow could make her

feel so wrong at times. So very wrong.



"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."



"I just want it to fill up. Then maybe the nightmares wouldn't be so bad

and everything would be okay."



There was silence for a long time, Scully not knowing what to say to

make her daughter feel better or less empty. It hurt to know there were

things she just couldn't provide for the twins, and it made her sick to

know that Mulder's absence was in their best interest, however harmful

it seemed to be.



Will touched her hand. "We're okay, Mommy. Katie's just being morose."



Scully smiled sorrowfully at her son and squeezed his hand. "You're my

best boy, William."



They traveled a few miles and the silence in the car was gradually

moving from heavy to at least okay again.



"Kate, seatbelt," she said, without looking in her rearview mirror.



There was a nervous giggle and she heard her daughter scrambling back up

and into the seat. Scully didn't have to look anymore, or even hear the

click of the belt coming undone--she remembered being four and sliding

out of the seatbelt every chance she could get.



So alike. They were all so alike.



Missing a father. She knew that too.



=-=-=-=

January 2000

=-=-=-=



An hour out of Washington they stopped at a free clinic, allowing Scully

to see a doctor for the prenatal vitamins and any other instructions.

They were sent to a curtained area and Scully was given a blue hospital

gown and some shorts-like material. She put them on and Mulder set her

clothes on a chair in the corner, preferring to stand next to her.



The doctor slid through the curtain and walked over to Scully, who was

on the little wheeled bed and tense against the sheets. The woman had

greying black hair cut short and curly, with almond shaped dark eyes and

pale skin. She was thick waisted and had extra pounds in her legs so

that she seemed bottom heavy but nice, motherly. Scully guessed she was

nearing her fifties and her hands were cold as they palpated her skin

and lymph nodes.



She told them it was likely she was pregnant. Scully knew that already

but nodded as she ordered an ultrasound, to rule out abdominal bleeding

or anything similar. They told her their insurance was messed up because

they were government workers and that they'd pay for it with a check.



When the ultrasound was wheeled in and the gel squeezed and rubbed on

her stomach, cold and shocking, the picture came up. Like blue and black

and white tornadoes on a television screen and Mulder peered over the

doctor's shoulder, watching.



"Yes, you are definitely pregnant, Mrs. Mulder."



It took Scully a moment to remember that was the name they had used 

when filling out forms. She had forgotten and the reminder was sudden.



"In fact, I see two babies here."



She couldn't help the awed and delighted smile that flickered along her

lips, and she looked up to see that Mulder was grinning too. It wasn't

news, but it was good to hear and be confirmed. She almost felt

surprised. The doctor printed out the picture and labeled the heads of

the two babies so they could see. 



"One's a girl, that's for sure. The other is smaller and hiding behind

the sister," the doctor said with a smile. She enjoyed cases like this,

and really had needed some goodness in her day. Two gunshot wounds had

come stumbling in earlier. 



Scully thought it was amusing that Mulder's twin was hiding behind her

own, but she just smiled and let the nurse wipe the gel from her stomach

with an alcohol swab. Then the doctor was making notes in her chart.



"I'll get you prenate vitamins and some calcium tablets. Also iron and

folic acid. . .so don't worry about supplementing them in your diet. Eat

regular meals, drink milk. Don't stress. I know those are rather

difficult commands, but it's important. No alcohol, cut back on

caffeine, no drugs."



Scully just smiled and clutched Mulder's hand reflexively; she could not

keep the grin from her lips or her free hand from her stomach. It was

real now, and somehow right. That she should carry the twins like this,

on her own with Mulder standing beside her.



=-=-=

end part two

adios

RM